Instead of the list of the years worst films, (another year, another Adam Sandler film) I think it’s better to explain the five films that carried such prestige or importance and explain why they didn’t work for me.

12 YEARS A SLAVE

Steve McQueen

Well acted and well intentioned, it’s admirable to see prestige shine on America’s most shameful moment, but no one wants to help poor Soloman Northup become an interesting character. The little characterization he’s given stops 12 Years a Slave from becoming anything more than an history class lesson. Besides kind-of picking a fight with Paul Dano, and kind-of writing a letter in blackberry juice, Soloman’s intentions remain a mystery to its audience and at times the script forgets he should be engaging in its plot. There’s many errands to run and punishments to suffer but McQueen often far more interested in the film’s many non-sequiturs and supporting cast to give us a Soloman fighting to be free. But none of that matters when Brad Pitt, as a executive producer Deus-ex-Machina angel shows up and saves the day. Hurray!

THE PLACE BEYOND THE PINES

Derek Cianfrance

Oh the manly ballads of manly manliness. Because being a man is soooo important. Cianfrance’s big over reaching three part epic about manly fathers and sons, only ever succeeds in its first, competent but predictable act. Things get rocky in part two, but by the final segment Cianfrance believes that during a fade to black, good cops become crooked politicians/terrible fathers, and that kids raised in decent homes turn badass for no reason. It stumbles in plausibility as it roles along and its inevitable full-circle ending comes out, not profound, but contrived and with an embarrassing amount of laziness.

UPSTREAM COLOUR

Shane Carruth

Carruth’s film begins with the most traumatic and horrific sequence on screen this year. A woman is assaulted, hypnotized, brainwashed and helpless as she unknowingly signs her entire life away to her attacker. Such a visceral and uncompromising set up is never given a moment of reflection, or seriousness. It’s as if Carruth doesn’t understand its impact on his characters, or his audience. Instead he thrusts us into his puzzle box film that cuts like a headache and repeats the same three images ad nauseam: Pig, orchids, twee romance. It’s a strange mash up that steals wildly from directors like Lynch, Malick and Zack Braff (maybe) without any understanding of them. There isn’t a moment of character or atmospheric scene for us to hang our hat on. Instead it’s an annoyingly cut and, at times, insulting mess.

ROOM 237

Rodney Ascher

Much was made about this documentary on Stanley Kubrick’s The Shining, and while some of the film’s findings and testimonies are fascinating in their obsessive details, Ascher’s execution is confused and muddled. Arbitrarily using examples from not only other Kubrick films, but seemingly the whole history of cinema, Ascher’s random choices take other films out of context and invite interpretations that shift attention away from The Shining itself. Room 237 is a great idea, badly in need of a better edit.

MAN OF STEEL

Zack Snyder

Zack Snyder may be worse than Michael Bay. While Bay revels in his arrogant ridiculous, Snyder is incapable of recognizing how fascist, violent, derogatory and downright awful his own films are. Everything about Man of Steel is made with the belief that this is the Most. Important. Film. Ever! The film’s fidelity to its own seriousness strangles it at every moment. Nothing here works: The wobbly performance of Cavill. The cheesy death of Costner. The over-complicated exposition by Crowe. Shannon has no idea to act in a movie like this, and he’s given the worst dialogue. Not a thought is given to the carnage of killing an entire city of people? I though Superman devoted himself to finding a way to save everyone?! Only Amy Adams gets through this unscathed, mostly because Snyder doesn’t know what to do with her: (strong sexy women confuse the brotastic Snyder: See Sucker Punch) Avoid this failure most of all.